The Horror of Unwanted Visitations

I truly detest the arrival, with fevered door-knocking and shuffling-feet, of unscheduled and unwanted visitors. Nothing else in my life, apart from maybe my attempts at ‘regular’ employment, is able to unleash such toxic levels of both fear and irritation within my spirit. Whenever it happens I feel as though all of my perfect and leisurely plans (both for that day and EVERY PLAN I could ever have for the rest of my life), are destroyed, smashed into tiny unsalvageable pieces along with my often delicate and hard-won atmosphere of internal calm. ‘Oh God!’ I audibly moan, ‘what sort of unprincipled miscreant DARES come to my door uninvited?’ And while I know that my reaction is unnecessarily dramatic and bombastic, there is some genuine feeling underneath this that such a visitor lacks respect and should be verbally reprimanded. Though partly due to my acute sense of politeness and also the awful realisation that I would in fact need to OPEN THE DOOR to actually verbalise my discontent, the reprimanding remains unrealised and unsatisfied.

My first line of defence is to pretend I am not at home and wait until they leave, though this is heavily dependent on how well hidden I am from view and if there are any obvious aural signs that could be heard from outside. If I feel I am unable to wait or if I think they know I’m home, I surrender to their knocking, sigh deeply and mentally prepare myself before opening the door to face whatever horror awaits, wearing my most unwelcoming but not quite impolite smile. The kind of smile you have when running in to someone you don’t care for but who remains completely oblivious to the subtle signals, and who subsequently sucks half an hour from your life discussing their recent adventures in Boring-Town or their ‘difficult issues’ at Mindless-Job LTD.

I have spent many years looking for a suitably discouraging door-mat, one that says something like ‘Visitors only by prior arrangement’ or ‘Visitors unwelcome’. Alas, my search has thus far been in vain though perhaps I’ll get lucky on a future road-trip to the backwaters of small-town New Zealand with their fantastically weird and disturbing second-hand stores filled with wonderful curios and oddities.


Though not usually a fan of weapons, I must confess to an artistic appreciation of paper and origami gun and weaponry construction. Apparently a craze among some young people with an abundance of free time, many of the works are indeed beautiful and satisfyingly minimalistic. I am considering building one like the above example to put directly outside my front door to discourage interlopers and unwanted guests.

It may fill the gap until I find a suitable door-mat. Unsolicited visitors are truly the enemies of isolated contentment.


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